I guess I'm fortunate in that I understand the difference between the two. But it still sucks when irrational me is screaming inside my ear all the time.
Learning to love oneself is a long and hard journey, and I am getting there slowly. But in the meantime, here are a few examples of how differently rational me and irrational me perceive simple things that other people don't think twice about saying.
"You have a lovely figure"
Rational me: I suppose I do carry my weight pretty well, and big butts are in fashion lately.
IRRATIONAL ME: you mean you see my fat, and you know I'm insecure enough to be flattered by that. I'm just about attractive enough to be worth flattering, but you - MAN - think you can "win me over" by making me "feel better" about something you can recognise I'm incredibly insecure about. Fuck You.
"Can I buy you a drink?"
Rational me: oh, neat, free drink. And I suppose this guy must think I'm kinda attractive I suppose.
IRRATIONAL ME: This guy must think I look EASY. Obviously I'm so gross that I must be insecure and an easy lay. Fuck Off.
"Are you okay, you always want dessert!"
Rational me: hah, they're just trying to be funny and sociable i guess
IRRATIONAL ME: You're a fatty, of course you want dessert. Stop trying to be polite and just carry on stuffing food into your ugly FAT FACE.
"I like you, you're pretty"
Rational me: thanks, I'm flattered.
IRRATIONAL ME: You think I'm pretty? What is it you actually want? You want to get your end away then ditch me? Screw You. Also, what the hell? What about all my other potential attributes? Do they mean nothing because I'm a woman and all that matters is how I look? You obviously see me as emotionally vulnerable. Screw. You.
"I like you as a friend"
Rational me: that's okay, guys and girls can be friend. I like that, actually, it takes away the pressure that anyone is every expecting anything more. We can be good friends because I believe we're on the same page.
IRRATIONAL ME: what am I doing wrong? Why does nobody think I'm attractive anymore? It must be because I'm fat and weird. They always tell you to be yourself but now I am and nobody wants to be with me. Myself id just gross and unattractive and too weird even for people who I consider to be friends. I Suck.
"Are you sure you don't mind?"
Rational me: they're just looking out for me. I don't mind.
IRRATIONAL ME: Do they not trust me to say so if I don't mind? Do they really think I'm so MEEK that I don't have the fucking balls to say so when I have an opinion? Fucking Really?
Those are just a few. Yes, I fit the shit stereotype that women overthink everything. It's because that's how we were raised. We're never good enough. Whatever we do it's always wrong. We're told all our lives that we need to look a certain way, now the body positive movement is on the rise and we're being fired at from the other side; we're being told that if we haven't mastered the art of being confident with who we are and loving ourselves, we're doing something wrong. So screw me. 25 years I've had the media and school bullies and society and whoever the hell else telling me I'm not pretty enough, and now I'm made to feel ashamed that I feel that way. I don't "love myself" enough. Screw you. I'm trying, it's an uphill struggle but I am trying. And at least I can recognise now when irrational me is taking over and hopefully rational me can prevail. Most of the time.
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