optimism

Last night I felt real shitty, so I did something I don't often do anymore. I wrote in my diary. The last entry was April 2012, so it's been a while. Pouring out all the bitterness and resentment onto paper actually worked pretty well. Then I listened to Rise Against and went to sleep. I've been a lot more optimistic today. I think acknowledging that I was very close to becoming a husk has motivated me to do something about it.
When I was a teenager I was very passionate about a lot of issues. Animal rights, world peace, fairness and equality and all that lot. I was very interested in what we going in the world around me, and to be honest it made me depressed as hell.
As I got older I stopped paying attention to very much at all. I didn't like how the world made me feel and I realised yesterday that I've lost all passion for anything. I just don't care anymore. I remember that quote "if you're not angry you're not paying attention." It's super true. I stopped paying attention because I no longer had the energy to be angry about the state of the world anymore.

Work takes all the fight out of you. That's why everyone just puts up with everything. Everyone's energy bills just went up. Just before winter. There are people who legit won't be able to afford the increase. But what do we do? We put up with it and shut the fuck up. This is just one example in a long list of things that we just put up with. There's nothing any of us can do about it after all. Right?

Anyway. My point is that I'm going to try and bring myself out of my voluntary ignorance. I think I'll still need to filter stuff. Stories involving terrible things happening to kittens for instance. Just no. I do not have the emotional capacity to deal with that shit.

It's also good to have friends and hobbies. I've spent a good proportion of my life hating people and avoiding them where I can (23 years to be precise). I've decided to give people a bit more of a chance. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not a huge fan of humans as a thing, but I need to stop being such an antisocial poohead. At the end of the day all I'm being is judgemental. By not talking to someone because I'm assuming they will judge me and think I'm a bloody weirdo, I'm actually judging them as a shitty person before even giving them a chance. I might even get to like (some) people if I just give it a chance... maybe.

I think it's time for me to just start enjoying things sometimes again. Sounds like it could be fun.