ouch

(don't read this if talk of ladyparts makes you uncomfortable, Or maybe do because you might learn something about being a real life human instead of a strange robot who is for some reason programmed to remain ignorant about the finer workings of its overlords. It's up to you.)

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today a lady put a little T-shaped piece of plastic up inside my womb.

The purpose is to put up a big ol' drawbridge between the sperm soldiers and the womb castle, and just in case any of the sneaky buggers do get through, make sure the womb ecosystem is not conducive to human life, firstly by being downright inconvenient and a lot of effort, secondly by possibly making sure there's no great tail inside for that sperm to try and tap (ovulation often stops altogether).

As a human who currently screams internally (and from time to time externally) about the idea of being responsible for a whole other human, this sounded like a marvellous idea. Bloody marvellous.
So today, I had the drawbridge erected, and the womb castle is now adequately protected.

HOWEVER

this comes at a price. Many women don't experience much pain, some experience a bit, and some experience a lot. And a few women experience THE WORST PAIN KNOWN TO TERRESTRIAL LIFE. (I was going to say known to man, but man will never know this pain. And I cannot comment on the pain that alien life forms might experience. No one can.) I am in the latter of those categories. My best friend and wife, Emma, who has manufactured, delivered, and is currently the owner of a child, said it sounds like the pain of contractions. She's been the whole damn human supply chain, so she knows this sort of stuff. I sought a second opinion from the internet as it is known for being such a credible source, and other ladies who have had babies AND had the coil fitted are in agreement,

So right now, I am basically having contractions because my body is trying to give birth to a tiny piece of plastic that is designed for me to not give birth.

Here is a list of things that I suppose right now would probably hurt less:
- having my womb chewed out by a crocodile
- stabbing myself in the eye
- putting a pencil so far up my nose it tickles my brain
- a bear attack, the prolonged type
- stubbing all ten of my toes in quick succession
- peeling off all my skin
- one thousand conkers falling on me from a giant tree
- sanding a part of my flesh off down to the bone
 - doing some neat embroidery into my skin